Lust and Love / Real Talk, No Kevin Hart

No X’s Just Y’s


Today we have another guest post from Leelee Dorsett, the writer of Girlfriend Matters.  Girlfriend Matters is a blog is for the woman that is not ashamed of being single and the woman who is happy with who she is.  Her blog is for all of the single women who truly have the courage to know that it’s okay to want and expect more.  Be sure to check her blog and follow her on Twitter at @GfriendMatters.

I don't have ex's just y's

Recently, I was looked up by an ex-boyfriend, and not just any ex, but “the one who got away.” The moment I saw the notification that I had a message from him was truly a “wtf” moment for me. We hadn’t talked in 5, maybe 6 years. Our break up wasn’t terrible, I guess, but it was enough of a mess that we didn’t speak anymore. He played me, I pushed him away; I pushed him away, and he played me. Some years later, he was married to “her.” So I lost, or at least I felt like it for years to come. I kept wondering, if I had never pushed him away the last time we talked, if things would’ve been different. When I got the message from him, I couldn’t help but wonder what were his intentions behind the random message.

We messaged back and forth. We messaged back and forth about everything. He was separated from his wife and he felt that it was over. She had moved out a few months before and it was “a wrap” according to him. I told him I was sorry to hear that, and I meant it. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. That night, we talked. We talked more about what was going on with him and what had happened with us. At this point, I was still uncertain about his intentions but I was so excited to honestly just have my friend back. I told him that when we stopped speaking, I felt like I had lost a good friend and he told me he felt the same. So what continued to happen between us didn’t seem wrong. It started to feel more right than anything. It was like we had never lost a beat.

We met up at the mall while he was out shopping with his daughter, and that was my first time meeting her. I remember I just kept looking at her and thinking how it should have been me and him married and having children together. It wasn’t though. It was him and “her,” and their daughter, but I missed him and he missed me. So then, I started compromising with myself, trading in how I really felt about the entire situation to do what I wanted to do with who I wanted to do it. I started thinking: ‘Well, if they’re really separated and he’s been thinking of me all these years, then it must mean something.’ So for once, I just allowed things to happen with us. I’m usually always in my head, and this time I just didn’t want to have any regrets. This time, I didn’t want to wonder “what if” so I just let him talk about how it should have been me and I ate it all up all too eagerly. He was re-introducing me to the family through conversation, letting them I know we were back in touch with each other. In the short time we were reunited (10 days, that’s all… 10!), it seemed promising as we were hanging out with his sister (just like we used to), cooking together (just like we used to), and spending time with his daughter (just like I pictured.) I hadn’t yet brought my son around him because as excited as I was that something could be blossoming again, I was scared out of mind because I was aware that he was separated, not divorced.

Then, I would convince myself that while I felt like I had messed up by losing him in the first place, it might be possible that I was “the one who got away” from him. I mean, surely he wouldn’t look me up and tell me all those things if he didn’t mean them. (I have to “lol” on that one, because it sounds so dumb, but this is what we do. We think about all of the good times we had with that special somebody and use that as the evidence to prove that we are soul mates:  the private jokes and shared sense of humor, the pictures we’ve taken, the Facebook messages we’ve sent to one another… we, women, will use it all). For some of my friends and family reading this, they’re probably surprised I even found myself in this position because honestly, I’m the most skeptical of all of my friends. I don’t believe everything that comes out of a man’s mouth. Men are why I started this blog. I’ve had my share of dates and relationships and I have so many stories to just tell because I’ve learned so many lessons over the years. Now I feel like I got duped. I don’t know if that’s the right wording, but it describes the emotion I’m feeling.

What happened? Well, the last night we were together, I got up the next morning, cooked, and cleaned the kitchen up after myself. We sat at the table, blessed our food, and he leaned over and kissed me at the table. We enjoyed each other’s company for the next few hours until I had to leave to go to work. The next day, we talked over the phone. He didn’t sound like himself. He said it was some things on his mind that were bothering him so I told him to give me a call back later. He did. I was at work so I couldn’t answer the phone. I sent him a text saying that much and he said that he was just calling to talk to me about what was bothering him. I told him I would call him back when I finished my shift. I did. He didn’t answer. I text him. He never replied. I couldn’t even sleep well that night because I never heard back from him until maybe about 5 days later!!

Finally, he made the time to consider my feelings and let me know that he thought it was over between him and his wife, but now he’s decided that maybe he should give his family one more try. He apologized and told me that he didn’t use me, and I wasn’t a rebound. What?! Well, why is that exactly how I feel? I told him I could have  been more understanding if he had talked to me when he originally told me he had something to talk to me about, and that everything we had talked about ever since we got back in touch I felt like he had undone that quickly. Simply put, as a friend, I did not appreciate the way I was treated in the end. I know his first obligation is to his wife, but I never should have been contacted until it really was a “wrap”.

How did it go from a “wrap” a few months before contacting me, to within the 10 day period we were back in touch to wanting to give it another try?

Why would he have his family and most importantly, his daughter around me?

It was all so ridiculous, and just unnecessary drama I invited into my life. I never expected us to “ride off into the sunset,” but I honestly thought that maybe he had given it a lot of thought before reaching out to me. Now I know, if he didn’t want to be with her, then he should have been done with her before looking for me. If he was serious about me in the first place, he wouldn’t come to me with only half of his shit handled. Sadly, a part of me still wants to believe that again, it’s bad timing and that he really does care about me, but I know deep down I just should not have even gone there in the first place. Separated is not divorced!

In the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt, we learn to believe more so that we are the rule and not the exception. (Yes, I have spent some time in Barnes and Nobles browsing and buying those stinking self-help relationship books too. God, why do we do it ourselves?)

All of the stories that we believe about happy endings from dishonest beginnings don’t usually happen, and that’s just the truth.

No emotion, just all logic. If your man is married and he’s telling you he’s going to leave his wife, most likely he will not. As my generation would say, I fell for the “okey-doke” because I thought I was the exception. I made exceptions for him and I made exceptions for myself to do what I wanted to do even though I knew better. The rule is, however, men don’t leave their wives. So, even though in the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, the main girl gets her guy and therefore, she is the exception…. I still am most likely the rule. I just should not have even wasted my time. So, anyway…. I spent New Year’s Eve at home with my son, just us two. (Yeah, it wasn’t that long ago) Can’t say I haven’t done this before. While everyone won’t understand this, I’m still grateful that I did take a chance, it just shows that I’m not bitter. However, another valuable lesson learned: you can’t trust everyone you want to trust, and that’s just the truth right there.

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6 thoughts on “No X’s Just Y’s

  1. Well written. Sorry that happened to her but I agree with the writer at the end, though you sometimes feel foolish for even trying to trust and believe in him, though it ended just as her intuition told her it would, there should be no regrets. What’s life if you don’t take a risk and sometimes just throw yourself out there? I don’t recommend doing that every single time but you never know. I’d rather live in an idealistic world where your love story can come true than be one of those people who walks around bashing the other sex and goes into every single encounter/relationship (if they even get to a relationship) just waiting for the bottom to fall out or for that person to mess up. I’d rather be temporarily in bliss than be an everyday skeptic of love. 🙂 Warning: I am an idealist when it comes to love so I know many may not agree with me.

  2. YES GIRL!!! This was an excellent post and really speaks to how as women, we often tend to see and believe what we want. We want the happy ending and sometimes pursue it to our demise. This isn’t necessarily a physical death, but leaving our self-esteem, sense of worth, and plain old common sense as casualties. I am virtually high-fiving you, but also hugging you for your bravery to candidly share this experience. We all make choices and do things against our better judgement that we may not want others to know, but the wisdom that you have shared is priceless. Some situations are not meant to revisit. Some of the what-ifs or wish-i-would-haves are just character builders for proper execution in the future. So no, you weren’t a rebound. Dude updated your character. Thank him and keep it moving.

  3. here’s the thing – it sucks sooo bad – but now you have final answers and can officially close that chapter of your life. you won’t have any questions of what if i had just given him a chance blah blah…
    you know the kind of person he is (putting his needs above all others incl his daughter, his family, his wife and you) and that is not someone who you want/need in your life.
    this is not a friend. friendship is about trust, respect and communication. he can’t/refused to abide by that. eventually you be grateful for the lesson
    stay blessed!

  4. I think there are two sides to every story. aybe after reconnecting with you he realized the grass wasnt greener on the other side. or maybe he realized how good he had it the crib and went back. i think its unfair to paint ol buddy as a bad guy. and i think its funny that this article is being co signed by women. how do you applaud the growth of the writer without acknowledging her MAJOR role inin her situation? this article came off more about how she was wronged than how she was wrong! if she wouldnt have messed with a married man she wouldnt have this material.

  5. Hello everyone! Thank you so much for taking the time to give feedback. My posts, although not always resulting in happy endings, are however always honest. When I write, I write as if this is my diary that I choose to make public. Although it may be ugly, it’s the truth. @Smoke The Ghetto Profit I can see where you might think that I was trying to blame him, but honestly I wasn’t. Hence why I said “God, why do we do it to ourselves?” I know he was married, but I was also told “it was a wrap” which wasn’t 100% the truth. I do, however, take full responsibility for my part in it. Matter of fact, after I posted this, this guy and I spoke and he agreed with me and apologized. He said that everything he said was genuine, but he felt like he owed it to his family to give it a try. I told him…. I agree. So, there’s the update. He is still a decent man in my eyes, but if things don’t work out with him and his wife in the future we both know this situation right here will NOT happen again. Also let me add, I do NOT agree with entering into relationships with married men, but I do feel that some chances are meant to be taken. If he and his wife were living together and she had no idea that he was unhappy, I would not have participated in any kind of affair with him. Unfortunately, I felt this case was a bit different only because he and her had been separated for a few months and from what I understood, had agreed that the marriage was over. Maybe I was wrong, but I am human. Next time, I know. One thing I would like for everyone to know is that I do always try to make good decisions, and I try to encourage other women to do so as well. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and I appreciate everyone here for sharing theirs. Continue to follow me at http://www.girlfriendmatters.tumblr.com and get to know me. I am also on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/GirlfriendMatters) and Twitter @GfriendMatters Maybe you’ll understand where I’m coming from. Thanks again guys! _Leelee Dorsett

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