Today we have another guest post from Leelee Dorsett, the writer of Girlfriend Matters. Girlfriend Matters is a blog is for the woman that is not ashamed of being single and the woman who is happy with who she is. Her blog is for all of the single women who truly have the courage to know that it’s okay to want and expect more. Be sure to check her blog and follow her on Twitter at @GfriendMatters.
Recently, I was looked up by an ex-boyfriend, and not just any ex, but “the one who got away.” The moment I saw the notification that I had a message from him was truly a “wtf” moment for me. We hadn’t talked in 5, maybe 6 years. Our break up wasn’t terrible, I guess, but it was enough of a mess that we didn’t speak anymore. He played me, I pushed him away; I pushed him away, and he played me. Some years later, he was married to “her.” So I lost, or at least I felt like it for years to come. I kept wondering, if I had never pushed him away the last time we talked, if things would’ve been different. When I got the message from him, I couldn’t help but wonder what were his intentions behind the random message.
We messaged back and forth. We messaged back and forth about everything. He was separated from his wife and he felt that it was over. She had moved out a few months before and it was “a wrap” according to him. I told him I was sorry to hear that, and I meant it. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. That night, we talked. We talked more about what was going on with him and what had happened with us. At this point, I was still uncertain about his intentions but I was so excited to honestly just have my friend back. I told him that when we stopped speaking, I felt like I had lost a good friend and he told me he felt the same. So what continued to happen between us didn’t seem wrong. It started to feel more right than anything. It was like we had never lost a beat.
We met up at the mall while he was out shopping with his daughter, and that was my first time meeting her. I remember I just kept looking at her and thinking how it should have been me and him married and having children together. It wasn’t though. It was him and “her,” and their daughter, but I missed him and he missed me. So then, I started compromising with myself, trading in how I really felt about the entire situation to do what I wanted to do with who I wanted to do it. I started thinking: ‘Well, if they’re really separated and he’s been thinking of me all these years, then it must mean something.’ So for once, I just allowed things to happen with us. I’m usually always in my head, and this time I just didn’t want to have any regrets. This time, I didn’t want to wonder “what if” so I just let him talk about how it should have been me and I ate it all up all too eagerly. He was re-introducing me to the family through conversation, letting them I know we were back in touch with each other. In the short time we were reunited (10 days, that’s all… 10!), it seemed promising as we were hanging out with his sister (just like we used to), cooking together (just like we used to), and spending time with his daughter (just like I pictured.) I hadn’t yet brought my son around him because as excited as I was that something could be blossoming again, I was scared out of mind because I was aware that he was separated, not divorced.
Then, I would convince myself that while I felt like I had messed up by losing him in the first place, it might be possible that I was “the one who got away” from him. I mean, surely he wouldn’t look me up and tell me all those things if he didn’t mean them. (I have to “lol” on that one, because it sounds so dumb, but this is what we do. We think about all of the good times we had with that special somebody and use that as the evidence to prove that we are soul mates: the private jokes and shared sense of humor, the pictures we’ve taken, the Facebook messages we’ve sent to one another… we, women, will use it all). For some of my friends and family reading this, they’re probably surprised I even found myself in this position because honestly, I’m the most skeptical of all of my friends. I don’t believe everything that comes out of a man’s mouth. Men are why I started this blog. I’ve had my share of dates and relationships and I have so many stories to just tell because I’ve learned so many lessons over the years. Now I feel like I got duped. I don’t know if that’s the right wording, but it describes the emotion I’m feeling.
What happened? Well, the last night we were together, I got up the next morning, cooked, and cleaned the kitchen up after myself. We sat at the table, blessed our food, and he leaned over and kissed me at the table. We enjoyed each other’s company for the next few hours until I had to leave to go to work. The next day, we talked over the phone. He didn’t sound like himself. He said it was some things on his mind that were bothering him so I told him to give me a call back later. He did. I was at work so I couldn’t answer the phone. I sent him a text saying that much and he said that he was just calling to talk to me about what was bothering him. I told him I would call him back when I finished my shift. I did. He didn’t answer. I text him. He never replied. I couldn’t even sleep well that night because I never heard back from him until maybe about 5 days later!!
Finally, he made the time to consider my feelings and let me know that he thought it was over between him and his wife, but now he’s decided that maybe he should give his family one more try. He apologized and told me that he didn’t use me, and I wasn’t a rebound. What?! Well, why is that exactly how I feel? I told him I could have been more understanding if he had talked to me when he originally told me he had something to talk to me about, and that everything we had talked about ever since we got back in touch I felt like he had undone that quickly. Simply put, as a friend, I did not appreciate the way I was treated in the end. I know his first obligation is to his wife, but I never should have been contacted until it really was a “wrap”.
How did it go from a “wrap” a few months before contacting me, to within the 10 day period we were back in touch to wanting to give it another try?
Why would he have his family and most importantly, his daughter around me?
It was all so ridiculous, and just unnecessary drama I invited into my life. I never expected us to “ride off into the sunset,” but I honestly thought that maybe he had given it a lot of thought before reaching out to me. Now I know, if he didn’t want to be with her, then he should have been done with her before looking for me. If he was serious about me in the first place, he wouldn’t come to me with only half of his shit handled. Sadly, a part of me still wants to believe that again, it’s bad timing and that he really does care about me, but I know deep down I just should not have even gone there in the first place. Separated is not divorced!
In the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt, we learn to believe more so that we are the rule and not the exception. (Yes, I have spent some time in Barnes and Nobles browsing and buying those stinking self-help relationship books too. God, why do we do it ourselves?)
All of the stories that we believe about happy endings from dishonest beginnings don’t usually happen, and that’s just the truth.
No emotion, just all logic. If your man is married and he’s telling you he’s going to leave his wife, most likely he will not. As my generation would say, I fell for the “okey-doke” because I thought I was the exception. I made exceptions for him and I made exceptions for myself to do what I wanted to do even though I knew better. The rule is, however, men don’t leave their wives. So, even though in the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, the main girl gets her guy and therefore, she is the exception…. I still am most likely the rule. I just should not have even wasted my time. So, anyway…. I spent New Year’s Eve at home with my son, just us two. (Yeah, it wasn’t that long ago) Can’t say I haven’t done this before. While everyone won’t understand this, I’m still grateful that I did take a chance, it just shows that I’m not bitter. However, another valuable lesson learned: you can’t trust everyone you want to trust, and that’s just the truth right there.