Today we have a guest post from Leelee Dorsett, the writer of Girlfriend Matters. Girlfriend Matters is a blog is for the woman that is not ashamed of being single and the woman who is happy with who she is. Her blog is for all of the single women who truly have the courage to know that it’s okay to want and expect more. Be sure to check her blog and follow her on Twitter at @GfriendMatters.
You know… It’s not only unfair to others, but also unfair to yourself to say you never want to fall in love again when the only reason you feel that way is because you keep falling in love with bitches and bums! Try something new. Ijs…
I posted that some time ago on my Facebook. I must admit it was personal. Sometimes, I’m just too honest. Yet and still, you must admit, there is always truth to my posts. So… the truth…. this particular post was about a particular man in my life. He knows who he is. We, for the sake of his privacy and mine, shall call him…. David. David and I have known each other most of our lives. Somewhere our “just friends” relationship turned into something “more than friends.” So anyway, that’s it. That’s as far as I got with him. The truth is I was upset that he was going back and forth with his stripper girlfriend (I don’t really know if the girl was or is a stripper, and hey, if you’re a stripper and you’re reading this, I don’t mean to offend you either. Y’all know how we do when it’s some new chick in the picture). I kept imagining us somewhere down the line in a beautiful relationship and/or marriage blossoming from this “so deep” (more like very shallow) friendship. I would tell myself that if I just showed him that I was perfect for him and that he’d be stupid to lose me, he would want to be in an exclusive relationship with me.
Yet, he was still going back and forth with the skanky chick (Sorry, I did it again, huh?). And when he and I would talk when they were broken up or just going through a rough patch, I would listen to him talk about how he refused to fall in love, he was never getting married, and “fcuk love, y’all can have that… that s#!t ain’t for me.” Truth is… it would break my heart because here I am, wanting love and he doesn’t want to give it to me because he keeps fooling with this chick. Then…. at some point…. I had to wake up. The real truth is that he just didn’t want me. No matter what the reason or the how i tried to rationalize his actions, I felt that he was being unfair to himself not to open up to love. While there is some truth to that, he was open to love. He was open to loving the stripper chick (Ok, last jab), and not me. So, I had to realize that I was being unfair to myself by worrying about someone who was not worrying about me.
Why was I working so hard to prove that I’m a good woman if I know that I am? Do I have to work so hard to prove anything to my best friend in order for her to love me like a sister? No. So, if this is the kind of love I desire in a mate, why am I accepting “back burner b!tch” status? I had to realize that I was a willing participant to my own unhappiness, and the only reason I was so unhappy was because I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of this particular relationship with this particular person. It would’ve been all good if he wanted to love me back, but the truth is he wasn’t ready or willing to love me the way I felt I deserved. I had time to think about it and realized I didn’t need him to love me because I love me. The status I wrote still applies though, I just interpret it differently now. It would definitely be unfair if I turned and stopped believing in love and the chance for romance because I keep putting myself in the same position again and again. To truly love yourself, is not about just about doing what you want and being with who you want to be with. To truly love yourself is about doing what’s best for you and keeps you in a healthy mind and spirit.
You can love someone so much and they never love you back the way you deserve it. Just because you love someone and want them in your life, it does not mean they have earned their spot and have to stay permanently. Sometimes, you need to move on and love yourself more. I know we have heard these instructions before, but when you really figure out what it means and how to apply it to your life, you know that there are somethings you won’t put yourself through. It’s simply not conducive to your new approach to a greater love you’ve worked so hard to establish, nor does it support maintaining what you will soon to find to actually be the greatest love of your life, the love you have for yourself. You learn that if the relationship you have with another hurts, and you never get anything from it that puts you in a positive place, it is not the type of love you are looking for. Once you realize the difference, it’s just easier to move on from the b!tches and bums. You don’t waste as much time and it doesn’t hurt as much. You don’t subject yourself sexually to every person you date, and you’re simply a lot more selective about who you spend your time with and more importantly, who you bring around your child(ren). If you find yourself in a relationship (or something like a relationship) with someone who never puts in the effort you give them, it’s just not fair to you and you just might feel a lot better about yourself if you move on. Trust me. So anyway, I never got the guy, but it’s okay. I got something a whole lot better. I have a whooooooole lotta love for myself, so much it’s spilling over and I can’t wait to share it with someone who’s willing to make an even trade for it. Hey, it’s only fair.