Dear Caesar,
I have been dating this guy for about a year now and he has yet to acknowledge me as his girlfriend, his boo, or at the very least his “main chick”. I’m not sure what to think about it or if i should be worried. I’m not even sure if I should be concerned since it has only been a year. Should I let him know how i feel about this or just walk away now before I get hurt?
Thanks a lot,
Patiently Waiting
Dear Patiently Waiting,
As I was reading your message, the first thing that popped into my mind was the chorus to 50 Cent’s “Patiently Waiting”. I hope that you don’t think that my using this chorus to offer perspective on your situation as a stretch, but I think it applies perfectly.
“I’ve been patiently waiting for a track to explode on”– At this point 50 has made a commitment to finding the right song that will allow him to give his all. Embedded in this declaration is the idea that he has spent time acknowledging who he is, what he believes will work for him and most importantly has started the process of disciplining himself by staying away from what he doesn’t believe will help him be successful. He has a conviction about what he is looking for because he has put in the invaluable work on the front end of finding a good fit.
“You can stunt if you want, and yo A$$ will get rolled on”– Outlining and implementing appropriate boundaries is critical when making decisions about relationships. Because 50 put in the self reflection and goal setting time on the front end, he now can display a confidence that any song or any person who cannot provide what he is looking for is easily dismissed and disregarded. When you have a solid base of what you will and won’t allow in your relationship, then you can better dismiss everything else.
“It feels like my flows been hot for so long if you thinking I’m a f’n fall off you’re so wrong”– Okay so you have heard that there is a fine line between being cocky and confident, however when you had done the self-reflective work, have set appropriate boundaries and know what you are looking for and what you will allow, then you can confidently function in your convictions. It doesn’t matter what people say, or how much they try to convince you that you are being naive, only you can honestly say where you are and stay true to that. When you know what you are bringing to the table and can back that up with tangible evidence, there is no way that you can fall off, be driven off, or be convinced otherwise that you are doing the wrong thing.
So, Patiently Waiting, consider the wisdom of 50 Cent in regards to this situation. Even though it’s been about a year, that doesn’t mean that you can’t re-assess where you are and what you are looking for in a relationship. I’m not saying dump this guy because he is not fitting your definition of commitment or because he has not lined up with your time line, but what I am saying is that if you self-reflect, identify the boundaries that need to be set, be clear about what you are able and willing to offer in this relationship, AND THEN communicate them openly with your significant other, then you should be able to make a better decision about your relationship. Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
J. Caesar
What do you all think? Any advice you would offer?
The Writerz Block 
“At the very least, his “main chick””…. Hmmm.
I simply wonder what phrase implies. On one hand, women are empowered to simply aspire to be a “main chick” while the gentleman of interest pursues other lesser interests. If she does not intend to, at some point, become his “only chick”, then by all means, pursue “main chick” status and enjoy the lack of a formal relationship.
However, on the other hand, if she aspires to be his “only chick”, but places the paltry goal of “at least” becoming his “main chick” after a year, then it might be time to move on to another nest.
You are too introspective not to be writing bro… just saying.
@Ed, very well scribed.
My advice to her: “Run as fast as you can away from him. He hasn’t committed because he doesn’t want to commit….TO YOU! He’ll just drag you along for some more months or years, with no commitment, getting all that he wants from you then he’ll drop you for the one that he does want to commit to, if he’s not already trying to get with her in secret.” (Personal experience..lol). Back to the point, she needs to leave ASAP. Hope that helped from a used to be “Patiently Waiting” woman. 🙂 Best wishes!
Thank you Ryane for sharing your empathy and advice.
MOVE THE HELL ON!!! #thatisall (Men will do what you allow them to do & if they are serious about you, they will do what is required to be with you. The question is, what have you required of him?)
That is a very good question. I wonder how many people think that it is ridiculous to express their expectations in a relationship.
As women we so often expect men to read our minds or read in between the lines of our vague hints dropped for secret conversations that they aren’t even aware they were a part of. Take Caesar’s advice and first be honest with yourself. What do you expect out of a relationship. Don’t sugar coat it, don’t apologize for what you want, Own It. Then have a candid HONEST conversation with him. Don’t hold back, don’t be afraid that if you say the wrong thing he’ll leave. OWN your feelings, OWN your desires, and ASK for what you need to be happy. Worst that can happen is you have to move on and allow someone else who wants the same out of life to find you and give you what you need to be happy. Good luck.
Very well said Ashanti.
im not going to be too harsh on her, because most women i know, including myself have been there. the problem is that we’re told to state our expectations, but that usually comes with an outcome that many aren’t willing to live with (aka be alone).
to me at this point in my life – a year is WAY too long to wait for a dude to state his intentions.
The letter writer doesn’t seem to be too concerned about the situation. She states it’s “only” been a year and that she’s not even sure if she should be worried. And if she’s not that worried about it, I’m willing to bet the house that he’s even less concerned. So she needs to figure out first and foremost if she even wants to be in a relationship with dude. If so, let it be known. If not, keep doing what you’re doing or move around.
Well, the letter writer has to decide how important is the status to her and what time frame is she realistically willing to give. If she thinks that a “year’s time” is a short period of time, then it gives off the air she isn’t really fully concerned about it. However, when she gets to the point where the time frames feels a bit too long, then it’s the time to really come forward and be firm in what she wants. Plus, like ed, I am concerned with her desire to be the “main” as opposed to the “only.” Main symbolizes she isn’t opposed to him dating or seeing other people but she wants special treatment. Only symbolizes that she wants to be the only one he’s giving his attention too. Make the intentions known, and if he’s not willing, then keep it moving.
Pingback: 5 Love Languages…Simplified | The Writerz Block
Pingback: Waiting isn't My Thing