Lust and Love

After the Love Has Gone….


Dear Caesar,
I have been dating this guy for a while now and it had been going really good. However, over the past several months we have hit a very rough patch, but we are still in the relationship. Last week, he told me that his job was transferring him to a new city but he still wanted us to be together. With our relationship getting ready to enter into the land of long distance, what should I do…specifically since I think I’m losing feelings for him?
Sincerely,

Distant Lover

Dear Distant Lover,

There was a study done recently that made a couple of interesting statements about long distance relationships. One of those statements was, “Average amount of time for long distance relationship to break up if it’s not going to work is 4.5 months.” Another statement included that, “Total percentage of college relationships that are long distance is just over 30%” and of those relationships about 40% end up breaking up…again in about 4.5 months.”

Now I could go into tips of how to make long distance relationships work and blah, blah, blah…but the end of your letter struck me as odd. Your last statement implied that since your relationship is going to be long distance, should you stay in it when you know that you are losing feelings for the person that you are with. Well that particular question speaks to a completely separate issue and I will go out on a limb and say NO! There is no reason for you to stay in a relationship when YOU have determined that YOU no longer want to be in it.

See often times, people try to finagle their way out of relationships by using changes in their circumstances as reasons why the relationship will not work any longer. What I find interesting is that you never address what made your good relationship turn rocky. You also identify that despite the rocky nature of your current relationship status, your boyfriend wants to make the relationship work in spite of the impending long distance relationship. It seems as though HE is trying to or at least willing to commit to making this relationship work and I am just going to go out on a limb again and say that he is doing this not realizing that YOUR feelings have changed. Sounds to me that you need to have a conversation about YOUR true feelings and explain your current perspective on the relationship with him. Put all your cards on the table and, if you choose to walk away from the relationship, make sure that you left no relationship stone unturned. If you aren’t sure how this conversation should go…or what it could even sound like; take some advice from my friends Earth, Wind and Fire.
Hope this helps,

Caesar

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4 thoughts on “After the Love Has Gone….

  1. Is this a REAL question that you received?? Wow. Of course she should end it, however, if she wants to take the “easy” way out or some would say the “cowards” way (depends on who you are talking to of course), she should wait until he moves then after he is already gone, break it off. That way he wil probably be more receptive to the break up because he will realize that not seeing her that often, if at all, just isn’t the makings of a real relationship.

    I will never understand why people stay in relationships for so long (not married), realize they don’t love and for some don’t even LIKE their person anymore and will still drag it out making the other as miserable as possible in the process. Even worse, they drag it out while one person thinks things are “dandy as candy” and the other one is secretly contemplating suicide just to escape.One sided misery is worse than both being miserable. At least when both are miserable and it ends both can feel a bit of relief versus the other one who was “happy” feels bamboozled. I see it so much, it makes me sad.

    This is when having a little bit of a selfish streak in you can come in handy. My happiness is so much more important than sparing the feelings of another who I have already decided I don’t even want to be with anymore. Break up delicately and show respect for the time you spent with them but let it go.

    • “Even worse, they drag it out while one person thinks things are “dandy as candy” and the other one is secretly contemplating suicide just to escape”

      Damn!! that pretty much sums it up!!!!

      Is it ok to drag out the relationship if both sides are unhappy and married?

      • No it isn’t ok to drag it out if they are married but I think there is a bigger obligation for the couple to work it out. I assume if you at one point you thought this was the person you wanted to grow old with, to the point you actually MARRIED them, then that person is A)definitely worth fighting for B) Worth giving them more time to make a change C)Worth giving yourself more time to see if you can make it work. However, if you are already having second thoughts when you are not legally or spiritually bound and feel like you just don’t want them anymore, get out! Even better, get out before you have kids (purposefully or accidentally). It will hurt but I can honestly say it is so much worse to be in a loveless/likeless relationship then to just be single. I think I have heard the saying (paraphrased of course): “Nothing worse than being lonely with someone.” 😉

        For the person who wrote you the question, she knows she doesn’t want him anymore so why risk staying with him a long distance relationship (meaning he is not around hardly ever) and risk potentially cheating on him with someone who is right in front of her. It takes a person with real INTEGRITY to leave a relationship without having cheated or having a replacement lined up. She needs to leave now while the man can still respect her.

  2. Pingback: Challenge Three – Succeeded by Me! « The Chaotic Soul

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