It’s that time of year. Yes, the birds are starting to chirp and the grass is getting green (take that however you would like). This, I am very excited about. But what has me even more excited at this exact moment is a different kind of spring fever–the college basketball kind. It’s March Madness baby and I’m a HUGE fan.
Game after game, March Madness means watching hungry, passionate college basketball players give their absolute all to try to stay in the tournament. As if that weren’t reason enough to be hooked, it seems like each and ever frickin’ game manages to come down to some last minute shot or over time (or series of them). They’re all heartbreaking and exhilirating at the same time. The worst is when I actually catch one of those sappy personal profiles on one of the players (like a player for Siena whose dad has MS but makes the eight hour trip to the games anyway). Then his subsequent loss almost literally brought me to tears.
Sometimes I feel bad that I haven’t seen one women’s NCAA game….not even the Championship. I simply catch the highlights on SportsCenter the day after. But I’m not here to argue how boring the women’s tournament is, I’m here to help regular women.
So I’m here to help the ladies survive March Madness. I’m going to hopefully help save a relationship. Here are some common terms she should familiarize herself with?
“Vitale”: (VY-tal) (n): Person. Vitale, Dick – sportscaster known for his high-volume exclamations and energy. Dipsy-doo dunkeroo, baby!
“The Ticker”: Common name for the little scoreboard that comes up periodically on the bottom of the screen. It’s the only way he knows the scores of other games that are being played. This is the most important thing in the world to your man the moment it comes up and absolute silence is necessary.
“Full Court Press”: Defensive pressure over the whole court — not begging your boyfriend for a ring.
“Rebound”: A player grabbing a loose ball off of a shot — not what your ex-boyfriend did after you dumped him
“Cinderella”: A low-seeded team that wins in upsets — not that chick with a shoe.
“Upset”: occurs when a lower seeded team beats a higher seeded team. Used in a sentence: “Weber State pulled a great upset when they beat Carolina in 1999.”
“One Shining Moment”: That awful song that accompanies the video montage that CBS throws together at the end of the tourney. Used in a sentence (after your buddy falls down): “One Shining Moment…!”
How do you explain that time seems to stretch, stand still or become overly important in March?
If the game has 2 minutes remaining and you ask “How much longer?” and I say “2 minutes,” it’s not actually 2 minutes. It’s 2 minutes of game time, which means 15 minutes of real life time, and that’s not counting the overtime. That means snuggling can’t start for at least a half hour.
There’s a lot of talk about assists. What can a woman do to be helpful during the tournament?
For March Madness, there are different types of helpfulness:
AAA Helpful: Upkeep of the vehicle that is your man. In a word: massage. Couch sores are the number one injury during March Madness.
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Helpful: Take this time to makeover your man’s non-basketball life. Don’t like the mood in his room? Maybe some votive candles. Think he lacks motivation? Perhaps an inspiration board. He’s too focused on basketball to care.
Do not talk at any point during a game. Do not comment that you think the players “look cute” in their uniforms. Never tell him how bad he is at predicting winners after looking at his bracket.
One: Know if your significant others team is playing and when. Two: These games really do matter to guys. It is not “just a game.” Three: Reserve all questions for timeouts and commercial breaks.
Hopefully, I’ve enlightened a few readers on how to make it through March Madness happier and more bountiful.
Thanks for tuning in….