This year, Halloween did not fall on a weekend. It’s a Monday, but regardless I saw plenty of costumes already. I happened to go out Saturday night and yes my friends the freaks were out. Now I actually like Halloween costumes, that take an effort to pull off. Like I saw Smurfette and a few Avatars and was like, “that’s cool” but for the most part these days, it’s “Sexy This and Slutty That”. Barely dressed women surrounding me at every party, eye candy as far as I can see — yes, I love it. In fact, the man responsible for making this socially acceptable should receive a Nobel Peace Prize. His bloodline should be traced and his kin treated like kings.
The intricate, creative costumes are easy to spot. They feature complimentary makeup, jewelry and other accessories you can’t get from a bag or box. The slutty, generic costumes are also easy to find. They feature crappy material that would catch fire if a cigarette was lit within two feet, broken buttons and zippers, and since it was most likely purchased at the local costume store an hour before, you’ll likely see more than one girl with it on. It’s cheap and focuses on the slut factor more than the creative factor. I mean I actually saw a lady in red lace pants, with a red thong and a black bustier. I’m like WTF are you for Halloween? A free hooker? I mean really. I’m not even going to discuss the fact that it was slightly nippy outside, I’m assuming she’s running around right now with at least an STD and the whooping cough! When and how did Halloween become Whore-o-ween?
We’re celebrating the otherworldly, not filming a porn. When did Alice in Wonderland add thigh-highs to her getup? Why is a bumblebee prancing around in plastic platform stilettos? Even more disturbing, who gave the go-ahead for the tooth fairy to wear pasties? Is that the type of fairy you want creeping around your little niece’s bed?
Although I can never know for sure how the slut trend began, with the help of esteemed historians, I created the following flow chart:
Spirits→ ghosts→ goblins→ demons→ the devil→ Aqua Teen broodwich→ sandwich→ food→ push pops→ blow pops→ blow jobs→ porn→ stripper shoes→ strip malls→ trashy→ slutty→ sexy nurse costume
Some argue that Halloween is a time to explore your sexuality. Though I fully support personal exploration, it isn’t an activity to partake in for the amusement of ogling strangers. Keep the bedroom in the bedroom. You’re attending a fall holiday party, not a fetish ball. What’s worse is that most partygoers aren’t used to strutting their stuff so scantily clad, which can lead to serious embarrassment. Panty flashes and stiletto stumbles are the least of your worries.
If Janet Jackson has taught me anything it’s that camera + tiny outfit = nipple slips. It’s a proven mathematical fact. Halloween is the worst night to challenge this math, as everyone will have a camera to document your mishaps. (No, really, EVERYONE!) They will post them on Facebook…and maybe even tag you in them.
This blog doesn’t mean I’m not going to look at the sluts, because I’m 100% positive that eye candy is some of the best candy to have on Halloween. I’m just curious to know when the switch to Whore-O-Ween came out?
Thanks for tuning in…..