Today’s guest blogger is the author of ashy2classy.net and winner of a 2011 Weblog Award. He has written for popular blogs all over the web and was recently spotlighted on The Black Man Can in their League of Extraordinary Black Men. Plus, he’s from the GO!! Let’s welcome Darryl Frierson to The Block…
The Marcus Graham Chronicles is my personal journey of dealing with love and relationships. It is called the Marcus Graham Chronicles because of my affinity for the movie Boomerang and how the main character of Marcus Graham relates to me as the “black professional” man. You can check out earlier posts in this series here.
The original title of this post was “Why I love Bitches?” but I decided against the title because of the misconception people would take to the word before even reading the post. Many people would look at it and automatically think I was trying to be disrespectful for women when I was trying to make a point in the type of woman. But I digress.
This whole “Marcus Graham Condition” that I have coined wouldn’t be complete without categorizing what I have felt has been my unicorn or Holy Grail of a woman. Marcus Graham’s ideal was Robin Given’s character of Jacqueline Broyer, the head of his company Lady Eloise’s marketing department. Marcus was so enthralled with Jacqueline because she presented all the ideals he thought he wanted in a woman: smart, attractive, intelligent, goal-orientated and savvy but there were three qualities that he digged that maybe he did or didn’t realize he was attracted to. They were her aggressiveness, bitchiness, and the thorough breed horse theorem.
There is a distinct difference between a woman being strong and aggressive. I felt I really didn’t understand the difference for a long time. I took on the misconceived notion that just because a woman was aggressive that she was a stronger person. This is nothing farther from the truth strength isn’t measured by the one who is the most aggressive.
For instance, Marcus saw a lot of strength and aggressiveness from Jacqueline but he came to find that strength is just not the person who displays that they are strong by their exterior. But, also by who they truly are on the inside (Angela). I have had the problem of being attracted to aggressive and believing it was strength. I had to re-evaluate what the true thing was about the situation.
I would find myself despising the aggressiveness after I realized that the strength was not necessarily what I was seeing but just aggressiveness. I would even go as far as saying I can’t be with “too nice” of a girl because I would run all over them with my personality. I would feel that she couldn’t tell me when I am wrong or be able to debate with me. Just because someone was not combative with me and always “checkin” me doesn’t mean they are strong they are just aggressive and they may have self-serving ideas instead of truly helping make me a better person. I learned that I wanted a strong person not aggressive because if I wanted to an aggressive person I might as well be gay and get a big dude name Tyrone.
Thorough Breed Horse Theorem
The thorough breed Horse Theorem is an idea I came up with where we want to bet on the horse that looks the best, groomed the best, has the best trot, but may not be the horse that will eventually help us win the race. Marcus looked at Jacqueline as the epitome of the best horse. She was well versed, successful, very educated, etc. and in his mind she was the one just on what he saw on paper alone. He began to realize as the film went on that just because you have all the best talent doesn’t mean you are going to be the best player.
I have fallen prey to the Thorough Bred Theorem some times over and over. We look at the person for all the things they have going for them well on paper (degrees, job, and accolades) and think that because they meet X,Y,Z that they are potentially a suitable mate. I am not saying you just settle for a dude who working towards his “dream” of being the Madden 2010 World Champion but it’s the idea that all of those things don’t mean a damn thing if the person doesn’t have a great personality, genuine, and an overall good heart. I remember I dated a girl when I lived in NY for a while and realized one of the main reasons I digged her because she was fine and had a dope job. I began to see her personality was piss poor and I really didn’t even like to talk to her that much.
This trait can somewhat go ahead and hand with the aggressiveness. There have been many books written instructing women to be bitches and the benefits of it such as “Bitch is the New Black” by Helena Andrews, “The Book of the Bitch”, and “The Bitch Switch”(written by Omarosa who ironically has a show trying to find love. I thought by being bitch you will find love too?). All of these books instruct women how to be more “bitch” like to get farther in business, career, and relationships. I agree that to a certain extent these books are correct in their notion that they will get farther in all those categories…except relationships.
Marcus Graham felt because Jacqueline played him to left and made him chase that she was more worthy of his attention and admiration. I agree that a women shouldn’t just go all in on a man too soon but the constant cat and mouse chase of a man having to “prove” himself to a woman can sometimes go overboard. Most women know if they want to be involved with you pretty quality it is just find out more about him as person that is the time constraint.
I have always said, “I love a bitch” and I meant that statement in the accordance to her attitude and swagger. It is something about a woman who exudes total confidence in the way she carries herself. I was always attracted to the woman who many dudes would be scared to holla at, say were stuck up, or didn’t entertain any man’s conversation. I also used to joke around and say “I need a woman to treat me like I am the shit but treat me like I aint shit”. I still do agree with this statement in the ideal that everything needs be balanced, nut I will admit I have let this ideal go too far sometimes. I have put more stock into the chase instead of truly seeing if the person was digging me that much. I took the aspect of the woman let me chase her but at the same time love her more credence than a women who truly cares about me. I guess the ideal of playing the game too long or the wrong game can be applied here in this case.
What I came to find out about myself that I need to give more evaluation of the total person of these false ideals that women and society have told us makes a woman a great catch. I think particularly in the black community have really got caught up in many of these ideals both male/female. We start believe our own hype. We believe we are a great catch for someone just because we are great on paper and embody the ideas of what society says is the best kind of guy or girl. The funny thing about this girl is that all the things you like about her having those qualities at the end of the day those qualities will eventually start to turn on you just like it does with the rest of the world. Its something to think about….(MESSAGE!)
I know for myself I have seen that I would constantly be attracted a woman with those traits listed above. It was almost like a love/hate ideal with them. I would love those characteristics to an extent but over time I would begin to see how much I really hated them just as well. I have learned over the years that I need to find a woman they may still have the qualities or being confident, strong, intelligent, and achieved but also at the same time look to see how genuine the person on the inside is. I also found that I need to become more of the person I want to be with decreasing of the relationship game playing (The Game is still the Game though), working on my asshole nature, and working on my personal development.