Apparently I’m not the only person who finds overly affectionate couples to be an annoying pain in the ass. I understand that it feels all warm and fuzzy to be in love with someone and it’s even better when the feeling is new. Sometimes, however, the warmth and fuzziness needs to be kept in the privacy of our homes. I have no problem with public displays of affection such as holding your girl’s hand or even a few light kisses here and there. It’s kinda cute as long as it’s acceptable. Anything more, I start to feel like a chaperone at a jr. high school and I just want to separate the couple until they have a respectable amount of space in between them. Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy for everyone out there who has found someone to make them happy, but I just don’t care. So please stop being overly affectionate and stop trying to prove your love for each other to me and the rest of the outside world.
I can’t decide which couple annoys me more. Maybe it’s the couple who got drunk and decided to dry hump each other in the middle of the dance floor. Don’t get me wrong, after a good drink or three I’ve had the urge to duck out and commence to disrespecting someone’s daughter as quickly as possible. Hell, I probably even tried to kick Will out of the DJ booth a few times so that I could sneak in a quick one. The point is, I learned how to restrain myself until I got home…or at least until Will puts a plastic cover on his equipment. In the grand scheme of things, that couple is just a bunch of horny little, drunk fuckers. Not that they get a pass, but I can understand where they’re coming from.
They don’t annoy me as much as the couple who seem like each other so much that they have to sit in the on the same side of a booth in the restaurant. The reason this annoys me so much is because I’m left handed. And if she isn’t sitting on the correct side, she’ll end up bumping my elbows throughout the whole dinner every single time that I try to eat. I know some people out there get uneasy if someone reads something over their shoulder; now imagine how that feels while you’re eating. You don’t see my face? I’m uncomfortable right now.
Yes, the couple above is very annoying indeed, but they don’t even hold a candle to the couple who is riding together in a vehicle (usually a truck) and the girl decides to sit in the middle of the seat as opposed to sitting in her designated passenger seat. The asshole in me just wants that truck to get into an accident so that whoever is sitting in the middle will go flying through the windshield because she shouldn’t have been so close to the driver and distracting him while he’s operating a vehicle. I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but it really irks me. Just like the couple who are so madly in love that the girl feels the need to sit in the guy’s lap even though there are about six empty seats surrounding on either side of them. Thankfully I’m a skinny guy, so I wouldn’t think anyone would want to sit on my lap anyway unless she wants my thigh bones grinding against her tailbone. Doesn’t sound very comfortable does it? What pisses me off more is when she asks, “Am I too heavy?” I weigh 165 with soaked and wet shoes and clothes on a good day…everybody is heavy to me. Get your own seat.
Some of you may say that these couples are genuinely happy to be in each other’s presence. I say bullshit. Nobody likes anyone else that much; unless, of course, that other person is Beyonce. Ok, I think I’ve done enough hating for the day. You may all return to your regularly scheduled afternoon.