I’m a huge fan of Modern Family. I think it’s one of the funniest shows on TV and maybe of all time. The thing I like most is how they don’t try to hide the dysfunction of the family. The issues they deal with may not exactly resonate with every family in America, but they foolery that ensues is pretty standard issue. We all have people in our family that we can identify with that have similar character flaws as the people in Modern Family. All of us! I come from a pretty standard dysfunctional family. We got drunks, druggies, and cats that bring big purses and Ziploc bags to buffets just like your family!! Don’t front like you don’t have and Uncle in your family that ruins every get together cause he pees on the neighbors lawn and you have to convince the police not to arrest him. We all have certain family members that make us afraid to procreate. The following family members make it hard to live by the motto “blood is thicker than mud” and easier to relate to Modern Family.
This is who you call when you need the newest movie out in the theater on DVD with bonus footage. When you need the hottest purse or shoes, this relative stays on speed dial! They also have the hook up on any item sold at Best Buy, Foot Locker, and any urban clothing store. This person is cool until you get caught up in an investigation with the federalis about stolen and counterfeit goods. Everything is sweet until that Louis V bag you brought from them had a bag of sticky-icky in it and you didn’t realize til you were at the airport!! Ain’t you glad you they in your family?
Not to be confused with The Hustler, The Side Hustler is all legal and all annoying. Whereas the Hustler’s number stays in heavy rotation, the Side Hustler’s number is saved under “Do not answer, Pyramid Scheme.” This person always has some get rich quick scam scheme that is going to provide his family with a secure financial legacy or whatever load of bunk they cram down your throat at Amway meetings. They always trying to sell you something and then when you don’t want to buy it, they ask you to be a partner in the business. Conversations with them usually start a little something like this, “could you use another stream of income?” Please miss me with the Noni Juice, pre-paid legal services, financial planning, Amway, or any other pyramid scheme I left out!
Some of you all already have a family member in mind and you are sucking your teeth just thinking about it! This relative ain’t never got no money! No gas money, no money for bills, no money for food, NO MONEY!! Always asking to “hold” a few dollars, or borrow some change until their next payday. I don’t know about you, but I tend to get a phone call from these relatives the night before there lights are about get cut off or the day they are getting evicted. It’s always an emergency when they call. And when you do some research, you realize you ain’t the only one they called! I don’t mind helping family out, but every other month is just ridiculous. On top of everything else, they NEVER PAY YOU BACK, but you see their kids in a new pair of J’s and new outfits the next payday. <that’s why they are a beggar and a thief.
The Drama Factory:
There is one person in every family that fits this role. It doesn’t matter your race, creed, or religion, we all got one. This person always has an “issue” that normal, functioning adults manage on their own. But for some reason that missed that class in Adulthood 101 and can’t make it through a crisis without telling the whole world their business. And because you are family, its not enough that you now about the drama but they try to rope you in on it too. Whether its foolishness with a significant other, kids in trouble at school (or with the law), or money issues (see Beggar/Thief) they always trying to get you involved and engaged in their mess. If you’re talking bout drama I prefer that you keep my name out of your mouth, instead of calling me in the middle of an argument to take your side, or CC’ing me on an email conversation you’ve been having with your kid’s teacher asking me to vouch for your bad ass kid’s character. It’s just not right.
We tend to tolerate the foolishness of our kooky family members, rather it be out of love, obligation, or a little of both. Though they get on our last nerves, we would trade them for anyone but Oprah, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Russell Simmons …you get the point. And as much as we talk about them, bet not nar nother open they mouth to talk slick about family, cause if one of us is fighting, we all fighting!!
Do you have any of these people in your family? What are some of the other Usual Suspects and Crazy Characters common to our families? Speak on it in the comments.