Random, Just Read It!

“Don’t Take No Wooden Nickles”


When I was little, I would always try to one up my grandfather.  You know, trying to prove I was smarter than the old man. I would hear something on Bill Nye and run to go challenge him!  For a long time, I failed and failed miserably.  He always had some country colloquialism to explain a scientific fact or an old wives tell to answer a question.  Every now and then he would hit me with some throwed off the wall answer that would leave me so confused I forgot what the heck I asked in the first place.  I would walk away so dejected that my Grandmother would yell at him for messing with my head.  Without much formal education, my Grandfather was one of the most intelligent men I knew for a long time.  Even now, after meeting and talking with some of the brightest minds in the country, my Grandfather is still one of the wisest men I know.  One of the many things that my Grandfather used to tell me was, “ain’t nothing new under the sun boy so don’t you ever take no wooden nickels.”  This is a deep statement with a bunch of deep applications, but not everything my grandfather told me was this great!  Today, in honor of watching S#!T my Dad says and not being impressed, I present to you $h!t MY GRANDADDY SAYS, enjoy.

 “Son, sweeping the floor like that you will never get a job at McDonald’s” (for some reason he always wanted us to be Calvin in the McDonald’s commercials)

“don’t you ever trust no dark skindeded woman, they evil and ugly… all of’em!!” (mind you my gramps is black as Mississippi mud!)

“you got to be careful messing with one of them Hispanic girls, they stay pregnant cause the nookie is 3 degrees warmer than normal nookie” (no explanation needed here)

“damn the bullfrog son, stop bumping your ass” (I still don’t know what this means, when I ask he laughs and hit’s me with the “ain’t nothing new under the sun” line)

“if you lie to me today, I won’t believe you tomorrow” (yea but if you know I lied today, why not stop believing me today?)

“always wear a condominium when you out here playing monopoly” (I think I know what he was saying but….)

Professions my grandfather claims to have had:

Pro Boxer(claims he whipped Joe Louis in fight between the Navy and Army in Hawaii)

  • Rodeo Champion (claims the big ole buckle he had was from winning a Black Cowboy competition, he rode a bull, a bronco and roped a calf riding a donkey – I’m not making this stuff up)
  • Barber (b/c he was a barber in the service it qualified him to chili bowl his poor grandson whenever he felt like it)
  • Chef (just b/c you make tacos out of EVERYTHING (neck bone tacos, pigfeet tacos, chitterling tacos, spaghetti tacos, etc.)  that doesn’t make you darn chef!)

Things my Grandfather claims he invented but talked to a homeboy about and they stole his idea:

  •  1-hour Cleaners
  • Drive-through funeral home
  • 24/7 Gospel Radio Station
  • Tacos (j/k but he may have invented pigfeet tacos)

With all of the above foolishness, my Grandfather taught me a lot.  He taught me the value of hard work and taking care of your family.  He made sure we never had to want for anything.  While he wasn’t perfect, he tried and he still does.  He still comes through in the clutch for his family whenever they need him.  He still bounces my kids on his knee when he comes down to visit. And he still knows how to mack down young girls at the mall without being a sugar daddy.  He taught me to “s#!t, shave, and bathe” before leaving the house.  To make sure I always had some money in my pocket, and when I was broke told me “ain’t no Black Man in this world ever supposed to be broke, we too smart for that” as he slid me a twenty.  My friends know about my Granddad, he’s the epitome of cool; never leaving the house without shined shoes, and crease!  He has had conversations with Jesse Jackson, BB King, Fats Domino, and Medgar Evers.  He has lived through Jim Crow, the Civil Rights Movement, the Black Power Movement, and what he calls our generation the NO Movement Movement.  He is wiser than I could ever hope to be.  I can sit and talk with him for hours about religion, relationships, music, culture, politics, you name, and Johnny Quick got something to say about it.  So Grandaddy,as you say, “I love you and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.”

“I’m the MISSISSIPPI MULE boi, they don’t make’em like me no mo!” – my Grandfather (some of the truest words ever spoken)

Do you have some off the wall stuff your Grandparents or parents told you?  Do you find yourself quoting them or still living off their advice?  Share with us in the comments section.

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14 thoughts on ““Don’t Take No Wooden Nickles”

  1. Great story, Chris….bet he’d love to read it! 🙂 (I can’t remember things on the spot…so right now, I don’t have any funny sayings/stories/1-liners from my g.parents!)

  2. I love this. Love Love Love.

    My favorite quote from my Grandmommy is “Enjoy your young life.” She’ll listen and giggle at the stories my friends and I tell her, then she’ll tell a few of her own, and remind us to enjoy our young lives.

  3. 12 year old me – “Grandpa, school is boring. I can’t stand it. I bet you didn’t like school either”
    Grandpa – “Actually, no. I loved school”.
    12 year old me – “Whhhaattt???”
    Grandpa – “Sure. If I was in the schoolhouse, it meant I wasn’t out in the fields picking cotton”.
    12 year old me – pure silence.

    My grandfather is 96 years old, grew up as po’ white trash, lived through the Great Depression, fought in WW2, spent his Air Force money on a college degree from “John Tarleton” (as he calls it), retired from the state as a welfare administrator, and can’t go more than 5 minutes without some sort of insult towards Rick Perry.

    • Ed, you got me over here dying laughing. 96 and spends his time bad mouthing Rick Perry, hilarious!! That was an awesome conversation you had with him. between him and what you say about your pops you had no choice but to be the man you are today.

  4. Wow cuz these stories bring back memories now remember you were getting these stories after years of him relaying them to me so they got deeper and deeper. The broom story has always been my favorite but I must say that it’s a good thing that I either blocked out or either he didn’t tell me the whole “philosophy” behind Hispanic women. That obvious but my marriage to one lol. So with that being said our grandfather really has given all of us some history to remember, he gave us not only stories but the ability to laugh and preserver through the hard times. I got mad love for him even though he made me sweep when I didn’t want to, HATE the smell of Right Guard(even the taste because going into that room without holding your breath was trouble), and have visions of a grown man eating watermelon and salt in his boxers with everything hanging out lol.

  5. yes indeed, great memories…. and to add to the lastest… how about him cutting down my Pine Trees because they smelled dead.. Well we now know he was correct he did smell dead on the tree becuase not a yr has passed and the tree he didn’t cut down was dead and fell….he is always correct when he tell us he can feel somthing is wrong; it usually is…. God has blessed him with to see 86yrs …..be in his right mind…. 4 children…. 8 grandchildren ( that we know of) ….18 great grands

  6. Love it!
    Everytime I clip coupons now I think of my great grandmother who had me running errands with her when I was 3. I was once hired because I pushed my chair in after the interview. The lady was like “you’d be surprised how many people leave that out” and I told her “my grandmother would strike me down if I didn’t”.

  7. Great Article:

    My Grandfather told me stuff like:

    “I’m about to go to sleep and I dont want to hear a rat piss on cotton!” or “Imma hit you in back of the head and make your teeth shatter!” or “Imma skin ya ass alive!”

    Long stiory short, I was a bad kid, lol. Whats funny is that I use some of the same stuff today. The only one I didn’t understand was, “Huh, shit in one hand and thought in the other” but it was funny!

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