Help me understand why every time I meet a guy, date a guy, catch feelings for a guy the guy turns out the be the “Best Thing I’ve Never Had” *Beyonce Voice* I mean I know that I am an independent, intelligent woman who can do for herself, but I want to be able to come home to someone who appreciates me and is willing to treat me the way I DESERVE to be treated. I’m at the point to where I am sure it’s me because I am the common denominator in all of these failed relationships….i don’t know. Any Suggestions?
Another Sad Love Song
Dear Another Sad Love Song,
You know what you are describing is not rare and by no means are you isolated in how you feel. In fact, there is probably research out there that breaks down the complexities of all of the variables that you alluded to in your letter. I tend to think that it’s not so complex and that there are probably some very simple adjustments that you can make to find the mate in which you are seeking.
1) Stop Sleeping with these Guys– I know you didn’t mention it in your discourse but, based on the situation you describe as well as experience, you have probably allowed sexual intercourse to enter into the relationships extremely too early. Whether you convinced yourself that you could handle strictly physical relationships or you really “fell in love”, sex will raise every aspect of your relationships exponentially; if you have it too soon, it can be devastating.
2) Lift Up A Higher Standard– this does not mean that you cannot date guys who work blue collar positions or who are younger than you. In fact lifting a higher standard really speaks to the standard you set for yourself. Do you know what you are looking for? More importantly, do you truly know what you have to offer? I tell women all the time, if you keep trying to make the man see the value you can’t even see in yourself the game is over before it even starts. Stop trying to be Beyonce, or the Magazine’s “This is How You Land the Guy of Your Dreams” Chick and definitely don’t ever, Ever, EVER DUMB YOURSELF DOWN as to not come off as intimidating.
3) Be Comfortable in Your Singleness– I’m not sure if singleness if a word but what I am getting at is STOP CHASING THE RELATIONSHIP. I could go spiritual here, or very analytical as to why this is important, but the bottom line is: LIVE YOUR LIFE with fun and passion. Do what you want to do that is going to line up with the appropriate goals you have set for yourself and just have fun ONE DAY AT A TIME! That’s what you deserve!
You were right about being the common denominator in your failed relationships, but that doesn’t mean you intentionally set out to fail. You now have some things to think about that might change your perspective which will ultimately influence your decision making. Understand that this is only a start and there is a lot that I could mention but in the interest of time make sure that in all things you are being true to yourself and what you have in mind for your life. But a word of caution, if you don’t know who you are or where you are trying to go YOU ARE BOUND TO EXPERIENCE THE SAME FAILURES….AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN! Hope this helps!