No matter what happens in life; if all of my friends and family members abandon me and no woman ever wants to speak with me again, I know that there will always be one person there to converse with. The one person who will for a brief moment make it seem as if we’re long lost brothers who have just been reunited for the next ten minutes or so. I’m talking to you, Random White Guy. I’m not sure if you’re being overly nice to me because I intimidate you (doubtful), or if for one night you want to have a black friend to prove once and for all that you are indeed NOT a racist. Either way, the fact that you don’t know me has never prevented you from asking me and my friends to join you and yours for a round of shots. Your acts of kindness don’t go unappreciated. Neither does the fact that more often than not, you will introduce me to that cute blonde girl who I’m hoping isn’t your girlfriend, but she probably is. That’s ok, thank you for the Jameson anyway.
Random White Guys aren’t the hardest to pick out of a crowd. They usually alert others of their presence by yelling “WHOOOOO!” over and over…and over again in crowded places. They seem to either love me or hate me due to the fact that I’m usually wearing a Yankees hat, but there remains one constant. Those fuckers are gonna have a good time whether you like it or not. And they can be surprisingly very nice at times. I once accidentally knocked a drink out of a Random White Guys hands, and he refused to let me buy him another one. In fact, I thought he might fight me if I insisted on it too much, so I let it go. About a week or so ago I accidentally stepped on guy’s shoe in a bar. I stepped on HIS shoe, yet he apologized to me and wouldn’t take no for an answer on his offer to buy me a shot of whiskey. That would never happen with a random black guy.
So thanks again, Random White Guy. Though you come in many sizes, shapes, and tanning colors, you have a heart of gold when you’re drinking. No matter if it’s an epic dudes night out or if you’re just feeling extra bromantic, it’s all appreciated.