Just like that, it’s Trending Tuesday. Trending Tuesdays is a segment that will focus on one of the Twitter topics trending today. It’s hard to tell why something is trending on Twitter, but since it is, I’m about to go in on it.
“Happy Women’s Day” just happens to be trending worldwide this morning….if any of you knew my history with women, you’d KNOW why this was a perfect topic for me to write about. I absolutely love women. No, really. Pretty much every story in my life either involves women, alcohol, or both. I know today isn’t International Women’s Day, because I know that it is March 8….but the general idea of the day is a mix between Mothers’ Day & Valentines Day where guys are supposed to express their love for women.
You ever see a woman somewhere, that makes even a gay man say “That muthafukka right there!” as she walks by? That has happened to every guy in the world, it happens to me a lot in the gym. Anyway, it got me thinking about the other, less obvious stuff that men love about women (that is, besides the way they look in tight black-and-white dresses). Because there are tons, and whenever guys are writing about women (I’m just as guilty as the rest, on occasion), it’s usually telling them what they’re doing wrong. While I’m not on my Weezy & Drake and trying to kcuf every girl in the world, that’s just plain nasty and it would include your female relatives, I’m going to give women a sneak peak into our minds and tell them a few things that men love about them:
The Casual Touch
Oh, God, I love this so much. When, out of the blue, a girl will place a hand on your arm (because you both know you been working out) while she’s laughing, or pick something out of your hair, or fix your collar. There’s something so divine about an unexpected, casual, sweet touch like this. It’s so beautiful and tiny and makes us feel all warm and happy. Of course, if it happens below the waist I fire six-shooters into the air and madly dance in place like Cali Swag District.
The “Real Drink” Order
When a lady orders a scotch, Hennessy, or a bourbon, I’m pretty much on Orbitz looking for our elopement flights. As girl drink orders go, they’re a bit unoriginal. But when a woman orders up something brown, I’m all “I will make sure your diamond is not a conflict diamond! <in my best Kanye West voice>” Also, add to this a lady who insists on picking up a round. That’s always great. I have no problem paying (chivalry isn’t dead, according to those Chivas ads), but when a girl is like, “No, you got the first few, playa, I got this one,” I’m all “I will totally help your parents find the right caterer.”
Obviously I’m remaining positive here, so we’re not going to get on the girls that actually leave the house smelling like a homeless woman. I’m talking about those smell good women. How the hell do you do it? I take showers, I use shampoo, yet how come bluebirds don’t follow my scent when I walk outside? The way girls smell is one of the wonders of science, right next to dark matter and Tyler Perry still getting speaking roles. I mean you used my shower and my 2-in-1 shampoo and still your hair smells like hope and passion fruit! HOW?
All of them, really. Hey, I know you can’t help it if you don’t have one, but you’re also the same gender who will sleep with just about any Australian dude and most Brits, so live and let live, ladies. If I meet a lady and she’s got any kind of accent — Southern, Italian, French, Houstonian — I pretty much turn into an erection with eyebrows. I think we should all just fall in love with people who have different accents than we do. I could listen to a chick with a French accent read the shooting script to “Sex and the City” in full exaltation mode.
Note: I didn’t say loving head. The line between liking head and loving head is seeming like you enjoy tuning a guy’s horn and seeming like you enjoy posting clips on YouPorn of you taking on 10-piece Mariachi bands. Enjoying the act — yay! Moaning about much you looooove it when a guy palms yours ears? A bit too much.
How you think there are so many work affairs in the world? Business casual is some of the sexist gear that women have….I know some may beg to differ once you’ve seen her in a lingerie and/or naked, but follow me on this one. 98% of business casual is very fitting showing you their shape, but not revealing much, makes guys wonder how that curve or this curve looks in real life. It leaves more to be desired than can be accomplished by simple daydreams during conference calls and business lunches. While most the world’s women have gone way overboard in the things that they wear these days, I have plenty respect for the women who rock the shit out of a nice pants suit. If you don’t believe what I’m saying, just go downtown, any city, and watch all the professional women walk around!
I could go on and on. Women on motorcycles, women on congressional subcommittees in business casual wear, women on “The Price Is Right” who excel at Plinko … it’s really endless. So, next time you see me checking you out, realize it’s not just about your boobs and butt, it’s also about the way you passive-aggressively flip magazine pages during sporting events.
Thanks for tuning in……